Grandma Bootcamp

Thirty-nine years ago, when we enlisted in the parenting corps, I went through mama bootcamp, and being on duty 24/7 those first few weeks, the lack of sleep erased most of those memories from my mind. So much so that my husband and I went through it again three more times over the course of the next six years.

Here I am on the other end of the spectrum with our children grown, married, and now parents themselves. Apparently, I never read the fine print of my original enlistment papers, but if you are called back to active duty, you will automatically be enrolled in Grandma bootcamp.

This is a typical day on the base under the command of my 34-month-old drill instructor and her 3-month-old underling, i.e. baby brother

• Reveille comes early, not a bugle, but a cry for milk or demand for breakfast
• First round of chow is served at 0800
• Your superiors eat first and they can be picky about their food choices, plate color, sippy cup color, and whether or not the food should be cut up or served whole
• You’re on KP duty after each meal
• Combat training commences with getting wiggly officers into fresh diapers or Baby Shark undies, onesies, socks, pants or leggings, and shirts
• You provide transportation for your commanding officer to the bus stop each morning to watch the other ranking soldiers leave for officer training school
• As a recruit, you’re allowed one cup of coffee per day, served piping hot around 0900 and ice cold by the time you finish it five hours later
• You’ll be required to hike endless miles every three hours carrying a squirming 14-pound rucksack
• Throughout the day, your drill instructor will scream orders in your ear—hearing protection is recommended
• Recruits are required to clean bathrooms at least once a week with a toothbrush, generally not their electric ones
• There will be mountains to climb, mostly consisting of stacks of laundry, which then need to be folded, refolded, refolded again, and put away
• Be prepared to be in the line of fire, whether it’s balls, blocks, or other various playtime projectiles
• Books will be read morning, noon, and night, with favorites requested multiple times each day
• The mid-morning snack consists of MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) ranging from fruit to granola bars
• Library trips are required at the minimum once per week, your drill instructor may or may not participate in the scheduled toddler activities
• Lunch is served at 1100 unless you’re hiking, then it’s pushed back until dinnertime
• Minefield games are conducted during naptime as you learn to negotiate the hallway between the bedrooms without stepping on the creaky floorboards
• While one officer is napping, the other one is almost always awake, so don’t expect any reprieve from your duties
• Snack time again after nap, all dip containers are the property of the commanding officer, who will double dip at her discretion
• War games are conducted throughout the day, such as First Orchard and Go Fish, which usually ends in 52 Card Pickup
• If a nuclear meltdown is imminent, immediately distract and redirect the officer
• In a two-story facility, stair climbing is conducted non-stop to gather supplies that are always on the opposite floor of where they’re needed
• There will be complex puzzles to solve, including the alphabet tray puzzle and the jungle floor puzzle
• Weather permitting, outdoor time is highly recommended as a way to wear down the commanding officers—the recruits may feel the effects as well
• You may be subjected to water torture if diapers aren’t put on quickly or efficiently
• Physical fitness consists of deep knee bends, jogging, speed walking, bouncing, or swaying with the rucksack in your arms
• Tactical medical care training is provided, and includes the application of character Band Aids and kisses to make boo boos feel better
• Diaper pail will need to be emptied every three days; this is where your gas mask training will come into play
• Your biggest enemy in boot camp is lack of sleep and lack of privacy—even the latrines are considered public spaces
• Any contraband food must be eaten in hiding or while your commanding officers are occupied elsewhere or you will be ordered to share
• Dinner, which is generally nutritional and made from scratch, is something the drill instructor may or may not eat, depending upon the time of her last snack
• The after-dinner battle is bath time, as one of the officers screams bloody murder when their hair is being rinsed as they refuse to look up at the ceiling to make the process easier
• Negotiation skills are put to the test at bedtime, determining the number of books to be read, and who is granted the privilege of cuddling with the drill instructor until she falls asleep
• After the officers are in their bunks, there is free time for writing letters which consist of one-line texts to let the folks back home know you survived another day
• Lights are out early around camp—you need to be prepared for wake-up calls in the middle of the night

I’m happy to report that I not only survived three weeks of Grandma bootcamp, but I thrived. As tough as camp can be, the joys outweigh the struggles. You get the toothless baby grins, the funny one-liners from the verbose 2-year-old (“Whatcha doing, Grandma?” “I’m loading the dishwasher. What are you doing?” “I’m watching you.”), the belly laughs, a buddy who follows you around the house observing and learning from everything you do, the squeals of delight, the look of absolute trust in those baby blue eyes as a little one is being rocked to sleep, the silly conversations, the hugs, the snuggles, the hand-holding, the tiny baby fingers wrapped around your finger—and your heart, and the wonderment of looking at the world through a child’s eyes.

The Many * The Proud * The Grandmas