Being on the verge of retirement has inspired me to purge and declutter. In that quest, I’ve gone through closets, shelves, drawers, my laptop inbox, saved files, photos, and, most recently, a stack of journals and diaries dating back to 1972.
The diaries have been a fun read, recalling the years from fourth grade through my senior year of high school. The jury is still out on whether I will keep them. For now, I’m highlighting entries about things, events, and people I haven’t thought of in years. The majority of the entries revolve around my time living in Antigo, Wisconsin, where I attended school from kindergarten through ninth grade.
My journals are more in-depth and span from April 1994, when I was 32, John and I had been married 12 years, and we had four children, ages 9, 7, 4, and 2, to April 2009, when I was 47, John and I had been married 27 years, and our children were ages 24, 22, 19, and 17.
I highlighted the entries that I thought John and the kids would be interested in reading, transcribed them into a document, and then disposed of the journals. I sent the document to the family to get their feedback. The kids especially enjoyed reading about events in their lives—some they clearly remembered, some they’d forgotten. Our three oldest children are parents themselves now, so it was interesting for them to read about my life as a mostly stay-at-home mom balancing parenting and running a household on a razor-thin budget.
Here are some thoughts that I recorded that stood out and offer lessons to me now, 30-plus years later.
I never got enough sleep. “Anybody reading this will get the impression that I am a night owl. Once again, it’s early in the morning (or late at night!) 1:15, and I’m wrapping up my projects for the day. I was thinking that I’m always saying that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t want people to think I’m not enjoying life’s journey, because I am. I chose the path I am taking, and I really do enjoy my life. I have been so blessed. I’m not sure why. My purpose in life is to give back to the world as much as I can as a way of saying thank you to God for all he has given me!”
Being a goal-oriented person, I spent way too much energy worrying about achieving the goals I’d set for myself. What may have served me better was to accept that everything has a season. When I was in the throes of raising our four children, my job was to keep them safe, fed, and somewhat entertained. I wish I had embraced the years I was a full-time mom more. True, money was tight, but it was our decision to have a larger family and for one of us to be home with the kids full-time. The money came in time.
There was too much fretting about keeping my house clean and orderly. “I guess it comes down to feeling organized, something that is important to me. I have so many things to do and keep track of. I really struggle to do it all.” At one point I remember telling John that we had four little kids and the house wasn’t going to be perfect, so that was that. But, guess what? As the kids got older, the house got tidier, and coincidentally, I became more punctual (another thing I fretted about). It all turns out in the end, as I’ve been known to say.
More on housekeeping. “I always think… ‘if only I could get the house completely clean, back to ground zero, I could maintain it.’ Unfortunately, I never have a complete day or weekend to do those things, and other things need more than just straightening up every day (dishes, bathrooms, dusting, laundry).”
Another recurring theme: “I’m beginning to think that I waste a lot of time feeling frustrated! I swear that I know what I should be doing, but so many times I can’t bring myself to do it.” Whether that was housekeeping, meal planning/preparation, or building our side gigs. One early fall day, I wrote that I didn’t work on our business at all over the summer. My conclusion now is that I would’ve been better served admitting at the beginning of that summer that I wasn’t going to work on the business, and saved myself the guilt.
There were days when I had my act together. “I actually completed the wash and put it all away in one day!” Some young moms may relate to that one.
Here’s an entry that has proven to be true: “It’s going to be so fun to read this in a few years. It will be interesting to remember all the challenges and life lessons I learn on my way to achieving my goals.”
Self-doubt reared its ugly head at times. “I feel, somewhat subconsciously, that I don’t deserve to be successful. Consequently, I have been putting up roadblocks in my life every time I’m close to achieving success. I realize that I have a pattern of not finishing things that I start.”
Parenting was a common theme. “I want to write down things going on in the kids’ lives. I want to look back and remember these fun, crazy days of parenting.” Here’s a poignant thought: “Most of my friends are the parents of our kids’ friends. I can see why moms feel blue when all their kids move out. You lose your whole circle of friends too.” I like this one: “I do feel like I’m a pretty good parent. I try to be balanced and enjoy my time with the kids. We have a lot of laughter in our house, which I think is wonderful.”
Finances were always a concern, but things turned around when I went back to work part-time when our youngest child started second grade. “Taking the job was definitely a good move for me. I feel good about contributing to the family income, and we are definitely less strapped for money. Someday I would like to talk or write about how we became debt-free.”
A couple of months in, I wrote this: “I can’t believe how difficult it is to work even three days a week. I don’t know how full-time, working moms do it. The two days I’m not working are spent cleaning, doing paperwork, and running errands. I have so many things I want to do around here, but have neither the time nor the energy to do them.”
One of my most humorous entries: “Amazingly enough, I’m actually not feeling frustrated or overwhelmed today like I usually am when I write. Just tired. I think I’ve been tired for the last 15 years. I don’t remember if I was tired before I had kids or not.”
There were definitely moments of profound gratitude. “I’m grateful for my busy, fun, crazy life. I’m glad we have four kids who do things that we enjoy watching. I feel very blessed.” And this one: I am so fortunate to have John as a husband. I look forward to spending more time with him as we have fewer commitments with the kids. I am so blessed. I cannot imagine how any other man could have helped me grow and become the person I am today the way John has. Thank you, God!!”
If I could go back and give my 30-something self some advice, it would be this. Live your life every day in an attitude of gratitude. I spent too much time and energy worrying about things, berating myself about not accomplishing my goals, looking for affirmation, and trying to cross off more things on my to-do list than any human being can do in one day. I would accept each season that I was in, and not always look forward to when we’d have more time, more money, or more success.
After the pep talk, I’d wrap that tired mama in my arms and reassure her, “It’s not easy, but you’re doing great.” Then I’d shoo her off to take a nap while I entertained the kids, started a load of wash, did the dishes, and got dinner in the oven.